Hello and welcome to this little bit of insanity we like to call James Hetfield Hair Watch! With today's hectic lifestyles, who has time to keep up with a celebrity who screws up...uhhh...changes..his hairstyle as often as Metallica's James Hetfield? No need to worry! Let James Hetfield Hair Watch do the work for you! Our dedicated staff of researchers toil night and day to keep you up to date. We sincerely hope that you appreciate it.
Oh, come ON!
Everything old is new again. It looks like James got tired of all the Alfalfa jokes (does anybody even know who the Little Rascals are anymore, or just me?) and gave up on his little faux-hawk. Or maybe his scalp was getting dried out from all the Clairol Nice'n Easy highlights he'd been doing so he decided it needed some deep-conditioning. Either way, the grease slick has returned. Much as I hated the faux-hawk, this is boring. Boring, boring, boring.
But here's something interesting. I've been watching a lot of hockey lately. I mean a LOT. So I could be delusional. But if you ignore the Amish beard and just focus on the lil' squinty eyes in the pudgy big head...I think James may be turning into the Washington Capitals (*spit!*) head coach:
LET'S GO PENGUINS!
THAT'S SOME BENJAMIN BUTTONS SHIT!
With apologies for stealing Kanye West's line, but daayyyum, James is looking old, tired, and done-in! The sad thing is, he's been sober, right? But he looks like he just got off a 6-day bender. Whereas if he'd really gotten off a 6-day bender, he'd probably look hot. Jagermeister...it's the elixer of youth, James! Go back to the light!
Speaking of light, ever notice how whenever middle-aged ladies start thinking that they look old, they go out and get highlights? All it does is make them look older. Nothing screams, "Look at me! I'm getting old and insecure about my grey hair!!" like blonde-frosted tips. Ahem.
The Sims: Amish Country
Too funny! In case you hadn't heard, there is an all-Metallica version of Guitar Hero hitting store shelves at the end of March. Fittingly enough, it's called Guitar Hero: Metallica. Anyhoo, screen shots of the game have been released, and here's what virtual James will look like!
Yup, they chose to immortalise (I slipped up and typed 'immoralize' at first. Helllooo, Freud!) the Amish Beard Era in zeros and ones so that all the little kids who play this game can be left with nightmares and a lingering dread of quilts and fruit stands. Not surprisingly, Jaymz himself is responsible for this bad decision, said a spokestech for the game company:
"Flores says Hetfield wanted to keep the game's focus on the present. 'Metallica wanted to look like how they look now in game so we just modeled off their current appearance,' Flores said. 'But we did do some alternate versions of the band members that you will see at some point in the game as well.' "
Hrmm. So is he hinting that if you play well enough you can unlock some secret level and play as Golden Age Hetfield?? If any of you geeks or your Asperger's children manage that feat, send me screencaps!
Hetfield's opinion aside, I think the choice may have been budgetary. Everyone knows that it's really hard to make realistic-looking CGI long hair. They would have had to hire Industrial Light & Magic to get Golden Age Hetfield's hair just right.
Time to Sell Your Stock in Hair Grease!
File this under: Be Careful What You Wish For. For months now I've been whining and moaning..."Jayyyymzzzz, your hair is too boorring! I'm tiiiiiirrrred of it! Do something different." Well, that will show ME. Check out James as of Dec. 12ish:
Pros: Amish Greaser look is finally dead.
Cons: Haircut was performed with a busted Weed Whacker. Beard still Amish. Pretty sure it violates their religious laws for an Amish person to use a Weed Whacker.
I was pretty apathetic about this new cut at first; did I hate it? did I just not care? But then I saw it from the front. Good Christ, man! I mean...WTF? It's a little....it's a tad....
Yeah. That's what it is. I think I miss hair grease. (p.s. Thanks to all the regular readers who helped tip me off to this Big Story.)
This December: James Hetfield Stars in BAD SANTA 2!
I don't know if the duck-bill/greaser hairstyle has grown on me or if I'm just so bloody bored with it that I've come to accept it. Either way, James hasn't been providing me with any good material so I am going to have to start scrutinizing his beard more closely.
How the hell does it change colors so fast? Look at the pic below, just one month ago. It's all blondish. Now look above. It's three-quarters white...especially at the roots. One of two things is going on here:
1. That mo'fo grows really, really fast!
2. James is using some super cheap haircolor that washes out right away.
Dude, you're a gazillionaire! I know that mean people on the Interwebs stole away half your potential earnings or whatever, but damn, you don't need to buy your hair dye at Rite-Aid. Hire a stylist! Or better yet, just let it be grey. It'll look distinguished. Don't you want to look distinguished, James? How are you going to become an Elder Statesman of Metal if you don't look distinguished?
I bet James is just pissed that Lemmy is like, 65, and has less grey hair than James does.
In other news, Metallica have started their Death Magnetic world tour. You know the drill, if anybody snaps any pics or wins a backstage visit with our boy Jimmy, you better tell me all about it.
Check the Thermostat in Hell
Unless you've been hiding in a cave (and I really couldn't blame you for that, especially if you live in the U.S.), you probably know that the new Metallica album came out recently. You may have even bought it or *gasp* stolen it from those Internets. I admit it, so did I. I swore I wasn't gonna, but basically I suck, so I did. And wonder of wonders....it wasn't 100% shite! Maybe only 65 or 70% shite! There were 3 or 4 songs that, goddamn it, kinda fucking rocked. And sure, most of the album came across as a sad, cynical, calculating money grab, taking old and dear Metallica riffs and recycling them to tug on our purse and heart strings...but those 3 or 4 good songs....
Dammit! Why do those bastards do this to me? I had such a clean unbroken track record of hating their asses for so long. *sigh*
Anyway, on the All-Important HAIR front, there has been no improvement. I was really expecting some sort of major change from James to coincide with the new album, but nada. Not sure whether to be let down or relieved. Although I think his greaser hair is maybe getting a little bit floppier. See the photo above? The front looks like it's threatening to fall across his forehead in a little curli-que, like some DC Comics character. Aquaman? Maybe Green Arrow?
IT'S JAMES' BIRTHDAY!
I know we shouldn't even acknowledge it. I know we shouldn't care. But we do, like the battered women's syndrome bitches we are.
Breaking News: Science Proves That Amish Beards Suck
A new study has shown that women vastly prefer men with light beards (see Golden Age of Hetfield) or stubble over men with either full, long beards or clean-shaven faces (with Current Hetfield you get the worst of both: long fugly beard AND clean-shaven uppper lip!)
I'm sure you're asking yourself: they needed a study to realize this?! All they had to do was pay a visit to this website, where we've been conducting this research and compiling data since the late 80's...and we don't even have grant funding!
But we can't complain, because their facts just refinforce things we've known here all along such as: full beards nullify all sexiness, make you look like a 19th century President, and should be avoided at all costs.
Faces with full beards were judged to be the most masculine, aggressive and socially mature. They were also thought to look five years older. They were rated the least attractive and the worst choice for a short-term relationship.
Increasing levels of facial hair were associated with increased perceptions of aggression, in that bearded faces were perceived as being the most aggressive, whilst clean-shaven faces were rated as being the least aggressive. And as facial hair increased in a linear fashion, so did female ratings of masculinity and dominance. "In desirability for a short-term relationship, a female preference for male faces with stubble or light beard was found, with clean-shaven and fully bearded faces being the least preferred.
Isn't that exactly what I've been saying about James all along?! I've even got a professional-looking graph! I bet those other guys don't have a graph.
Where DOES the time go?
I can't believe that it's been since November that I last updated this site! What can I say, Hetfield is boring me to tears. I don't know what's worse, when he changes his look every few months and we get sudden shocks of awfulness one after the other....or when he finds one really shitty look and sticks with it for a long time, slowly grinding down our collective will to live. I guess he's testing out Option 2 this year.
Also the last time I posted, Metallica was recording a new album. Nine months later, it STILL isn't done! Slow-ass fuckers! So that's boring too.
Despite all this, I've summoned up the strength to update the galleries a little bit, adding a few items to the History and Things That Should Not Be sections. I plan a couple more updates in the coming week or so, if I don't slip into a Hetfield-induced coma first.
Breaking News on the Beard Front
In late October, at a benefit for The Bridge School in California, Metallica amazed the crowd with not only an acoustic set of mostly covers (including Garbage's truly obnoxious "Only Happy When It Rains". No, seriously. See for yourself here.), but also with a neatly short-trimmed version of James' much-despised Amish Beard!!
Well. I suppose that's progress. Can we still call it an Amish Beard now? Maybe "modified Amish"? or "Amish v 1.2"?? Regardless, it's obvious that despite his protests, Jaymz really must have been wounded by those Taliban remarks back in July. heh heh heh.
Happy Birthday to James!
Is it that time again already? Yes, another year for James to get older and lamer. The news on the Metallica front is: there is no news. Their quick money grab...errm...tour...is over and now they're back to working on the next album. So we can all go back to cringing with dread for its release. Oh, there's a big 'tallica interview/cover story in this month's Q music magazine. Features several pictures of Amish-Taliban James. I should buy it to scan them but it's a UK mag and costs $9!! $9 to see Hetfield's assy beard?!
Meanwhile, I have a birthday present for any old fans out there: I've added several pics to the Golden Age of Hetfield section of the gallery, mostly from screencaps I made from DVDs. You'll find the new pics on the second page of the section. So on this special day, let us pause to reflect on what was, and mourn for what is.
OH. MY. GOD.
This story is simply too good to be true, but it IS!
Hetfield Held Up for 'Taliban' Beard
(July 9) -- Metallica's Live Earth performance almost faded to black before it even happened, thanks to British airport officials who held their lead singer at a terminal because of his "Taliban-like beard."
According to the British newspaper The Times, as reported by the New Zealand Herald, metal pioneer James Hetfield was held up and subjected to a line of questioning due to his facial hair following a tense week in the United Kingdom after foiled terror plots and an attack in Scotland.
The Times reports that airport security officials were embarrassed and let Hetfield go after he explained he was a member of the legendary rock band.
2007 AOL LLC. All Rights Reserved.
Or is it? As of today, Camp Metallica is putting out statements denying the incident ever happened.
METALLICA Rep Says HETFIELD Was Not Detained At U.K. Airport
Contrary to published reports, METALLICA frontman James Hetfield was not detained by U.K. airport security last week on his way to performing in London for Live Earth.
Britain's The Times claims that Hetfield was held and questioned due to what friends call his "Taliban-like beard." According to the paper, the METALLICA singer was briefly questioned before "red-faced" officials realized he was a rock star.
On Monday (July 9), a rep for Hetfield told Usmagazine.com that none of it ever happened. "It's false. It's not true."
Well, of COURSE he's gonna deny it! You expect Hetfield to admit that his Amish beard is ugly enough to cause an international incident?? Frankly I don't care if it happened or not. Just the fact that a story about the awfulness of Hetfield's hair is taking up global media space is more than enough for me! Finally...validation!! LOL. I've been terrorized all along by that beard, and it's about time that someone else took note. If the story is true though, it doesn't make the UK police look very bright...I mean, they can't tell Taliban from Amish?!? C'mon!
Although...they ARE both religious extremist groups. Limit the kind of clothes their members can wear. Have weird beards. Hrmmmm....maybe they DO have a case! Heh.
I wonder how long before Lars decides to try to sue England?
A Christmas Present from James!
Just in time for the holidays, James gives us the most precious gift...the gift of laughter... at THIS!
I've been flabberghasted by this man before but, What! The! Fuck?! Did Jaymz up and join a bluegrass band when I wasn't looking? Is he the newest Soggy Bottom Boy? Is he gearing up for the big Banjo duel at the county fair? I mean, between the grizzled Amish beard, the farmer jeans, the flannel modestly buttoned up to the neck, there is so much Wrongness going on that my brain has shorted out. I am at a loss for words.
And that's not all! The above photo was taken in a recording studio. Yup, the guys plan to inflict a new album on us in 2007, which means that as the publicity gears up this site should be brimming with fresh stupidity in the coming year! Hooray, something to look forward to (dread?) ! Check back here often as the new shit comes to light. Lars even claims that the new disc will be just like Master of Puppets. Teehee! I guess Metallica finally got tired of everyone hating them. Whatever. As long as James looks like THAT, it will be physically impossible for them not to suck.
P.S. -- In a bit of site maintenance news, I had to shut off the comments function on the gallery because I was drowning in spam. Sorry! If ya got something to say you can always email me.
Well, That Was Predictable
MusicCares Benefit. May 12, 2006.
Like the changing of the seasons or the phases of the moon, Hetfield's hair stupidty is a predictable force of nature. See my comments from last update. He looked passable then. And now...wtf?! Where is he taking that beard? It doesn't even look Amish anymore; I think he's going for the Old Testament Look. But it's oddly...shaped...so he looks more like a 17th-century Flemish merchant. Guildmaster Jaanes Hetfelld, at your service!
No wonder his wife is so rarely photographed with him. She's probably dying of embarassment. Especially if she took a look at some of the other metal heads who attended the same event.
James, Lemmy looked better than you, and he's like, 70. Duff McKagan looked HELLA better than you. And James, Ozzy looked better than you! How sad is that?! Aren't you ashamed? Good.
I've Seen Worse
Metallica back in the studio, Feb. 2006. Pic mercilessly stolen from official Metallica site! Call Lars' fuckin lawyer!!
Back to the hair. Hey! Is this what James' hair looks like when it's not all slicked back with industrial-grade crud?? James! That is not half-bad! I could live with that! We could reach a compromise here, man! Ditch the Greasy Kid Stuff, and you'll be on the Path to Righteousness!
I also like that he is re-attaching his beard to his sideburns, losing the Amish look. Thank gawd. If he had a mustache in this pic, he'd actually look good. When was the last time THAT happened?!
Of course I know that this is just one of those phases James goes through, where he gives us false hopes, only to crush us with his next brutal hairstyle misadventure. What a dickhead.
Holy shit, an update! Yeah, yeah..don't blame me, blame Hetfield for being a big ol antisocial recluse. Anyway, Jaymz surfaces in Jan. 2006 at the "Darwin Awards Party" at the Sundance Film Festival. Now that's funny. Why can't Lars Darwinize himself?
Anyway, after all that waitng, James totally disappoints by having the same damn hairstyle he had last year! C'mon Jimmy, people are counting on you for their entertainment! Ya let us down!
But it does look like he took care of those unsightly grey hairs.
Take Me Out to the Ballgame
A kindly reader sent in recent pics taken this June when James attended a Yankees game. As we can see, James is still sporting the combination Amish/Greaser look he had last year at this time. But with one big difference: last year his beard was still mostly blonde. In just one year, it has gone almost totally white! Having a hard year, James? Maybe he had a traumatic experience? Bad genes? Forgot to tell wife to pick up more Just for Men?
Happy Birthday Jaymz!
Yup, Our Boy is 42 today. I know I haven't updated this site in a long while, but that's because since the end of the most recent MetalliTour, James seems to have disappeared from public view. No public outings means no new photos. No new photos means I have no proof of what he looks like lately. A lack of hard data of course leads to Idle Speculation on my part. He could be holed up somewhere doing gawd-knows-what to his hair. What will James look like the next time he emerges from media hibernation?! I shudder to think. Here are my guesses:
"...and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head... and his strength went from him." Judges 16:19
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